Paul's List O' Pain

History

The origins of the List O' Pain are shrouded in obscurity, but we do know that in winter quarter of 2003, a trombonist named Holly Ransom asked Paul, as a joke, to insert a list of short, off-the-wall phrases into his between-tune patter at the swing dances in Chumash Auditorium. The more bizzare the phrase, the better. While Paul is generally brilliant, weaving completely unrelated phrases into his song introductions required some effort, to which Paul readily admitted, hence the name "List O' Pain." The band has not missed giving Paul a List O' Pain for a single swing dance in Chumash Auditorium since then.

Sample List O' Pain

from 1/21/07: (* indicates a phrase used by Paul that night)

• Tickled with delight*
• Wincing in pain*
• Transformers vs. He-man*
• Denny's chocolate milkshakes are DA BOMB!
• Magnus the colossal clown fish*
• Sexy time explosion*
• Fat Taco's delicious Bazoombas
• Bodacious carmelized reptiles
• Swashbuckling sea men
• My suit is blacknot
• Worthy of Captain Jack Sparrow*
• Ugly as mud*
• Outrageously splendoriffic*
• My pet chinchilla*
• The Yanamamo tribe*
• Rhombus*
• Tubular*
• Spanktastic*
• Mufasa*
• Sugar cookies*
• I'm a banana*
• Party at Denny's after the show*
• And the jello and the peanut butter
• Spider webs*
• Rubix Cube
• WTF

Example

One good example of using the List O' Pain was at the expense of one of the band's vocalists, Martin Garona. As Paul introduced Martin onto the stage, he decided to use the word "giardia" from the List O' Pain, saying (approximately), "And, now, please welcome the band's vocalist, Martin Garona. Martin just got back from a backpacking trip [not true] and got a touch of giardia." Martin did not appear to immediately find the humor in that introduction, but the band and Paul surely did. Paul thanks Martin for being a good sport, as the List O' Pain is just intended to be good fun.

Process

Only the band knows the exact procedure by which the List O' Pain is created, but presumably a sheet of paper is distributed before the gig, band members write down their contributions, and it magically appears on Paul's music stand just before the first downbeat. It is Paul's habit to frantically rack his brain during solos and the more automatic sections of charts in order to compose the next sentence or paragraph that will contain a phrase from the List O' Pain.

Results

Sometimes Paul's efforts are inspired and hilarious, sometimes they're nonsensical, and sometimes they're just fantasy. Paul once tried to measure the audience's reaction to the List O' Pain by going up to someone in the audience at a break and asking, "Could you hear me talking between tunes, and did you hear me say anything anything unusual?" The response was, "Yes," and "No," which only proves the futility of it all anyway.

History is made

On May 22, 2011, a singular event occurred.  Bret Bailey, who had played in the band throughout his four years at Cal Poly, asked Paul if he could, in recognition of Bret's longtime service to the band, actually complete the List O' Pain; that is, to include every single item on the List O' Pain in his on-stage patter at some point in the gig.  Paul's initially doubted that he could do it, as that had never happened before, throughout the entire history of the List O' Pain; but Bret inspired Paul.  Unbelievably, and for the first time ever (and probably the last), Paul said every item on the list onstage during the gig.  The band and all of jazz owes Bret a debt of gratitude.

Here is that complete List O' Pain:

• Dancers can be such tempo Nazis
• Funny story, I was sharing margaritas with Oprah on the While House lawn
• Hello, Cleveland!
• I've got some great internal chemistry goin' on right now
• Bingo!
• Strangers have the best candy
• Handsome Henry's Handsome Heartbreak Band featuring Handsome Henry
• My favorite musician is Justin Beiber
• Blondie, you son of a . . .
• I slang in my white tee
• I cook, I swag
• Don't donkey punch my banana
• Is that Art Emr!?
• Suit Up!
• Babies smell
• OMG, it's so FLUFFY!
• You ever have a unicorn steak?
• Zombie Apocalypse
• It's going to be legen . . . wait for it . . . dary